Monday, September 23, 2013

Things Learned From Movies

-Cops can be in an intense firefight, yet no matter how many bullets fly or however many explosions occur (or how big they are), cops are never killed.

-If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into already knows the routine.

-All women (especially blonde white women) become incredibly clumsy and need to be pulled along by the man at the arm in horror films, even if the guy is a fat midget and the girl is an Olympic track star.

-Any car that crashes bursts into flames, even if it nicks the curb at 5 mph.

-White characters always survive the worst ordeals, even if the Black people in the film are survivalists and the Whites are a group of impossibly moronic teenagers.

-You can always park directly outside any building you enter into.

-Villains always explain their plan in detail.

-Cars that crash always burst into flames.

-In horror films, monsters always catch up to the victims, despite never exceeding the speed of a snail.

-Teachers and professors never finish class on time.

-All teenage girls are stuck-up, backbiting, over-dramatic pricks. Either that, or goths.

-Any job makes dads forget their son's Birthday(s).

-Epic speeches before any major battle turns the tide of the entire war.

-All foreigners, when all alone, prefer to speak English to each other.

-No matter how far you drive up on the sidewalk, Hollywood pedestrians have the world's best reactions, and always get out of the way in time.

-The most dangerous place to be at any given time is around a roadside fruit seller's cart.

-Movie henchmen have terrible accuracy.

1 comment:

  1. As a followup to your horror film monster comment above, if the fleeing person thoughtfully decides to drive away in a car, they inevitably drop their keys, fumble with the lock, or something else like that. Also, falling through plate glass windows, unlike in real life, does NOT kill you. In fact, you won't even have a scratch!

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